If you have a child who is struggling with behavior and you’ve either been blamed by others or maybe you blame yourself for the bad behavior this is for you.

My 4-year-old was recently sent home from school for biting another student.
It wasn’t the first time. It was actually the second time this month.

And everyone has lots to say about his behavior.
And several people have very explicitly stated that I am the problem.

That I was too nice.
I coddle him.
He needs more tough love. He needs spankings.

Ouch!

If you have felt this blame of your child’s behavior be put on you, this video will help you answer these questions:

• Is it true that you caused your child’s behavior?
• Could your soft and loving approach be hurting him?
• What do you do next?

Answering these questions will help you stay out of that spiral of guilt and shame that we can so easily fall into.

Our kids will mess up.
We will mess up.
Negative thoughts will come up automatically.

And this first question is a powerful question to keep in your back pocket:

Is it true?
Are your thoughts about this true?

This question is critical as we navigate life as imperfect humans who mess up.

When my child got sent home, I had the thoughts:

“We’ve tried many different things with him and nothing seems to be working.”
“I can’t help him.”
“He won’t change.”

These were really hard thoughts.

Then came the thoughts from others… and it was the same story from my husband, mother-in-law, sister, and even a teacher.

They all said I am the problem.
His behavior is because I am too soft.
I coddle him.
I am too loving when I need to be stern.

Now I can shake off these comments coming from one person…

but coming from all of these people, I started to wonder myself—
Maybe I am the problem?

But here’s what I had to remind myself:

A thought—even if it’s repeated by multiple people—is not truth.

Thoughts are generated by the brain. Everyone has them.
They are influenced by emotion, stress, past experiences, and perspective.

They are not facts.

I had to pause and create space between:

What I’m thinking and hearing and what is actually true

The #1 question that I offer you to keep asking:

Are your thoughts—and other people’s thoughts—true?

“I can’t help him.” – not true
“He won’t change.” – not true (brain science says that he can change because the brain can change—this is called neuroplasticity)
“This is my fault.” – not true

But even when you realize your thoughts aren’t always true…
you may have to question it a little deeper.

The tough thought here is:

Is it really your fault?

“What if this actually is true? Could it be my fault that he behaves this way?”

Let’s dive into this.

Your child literally grew inside of you.
You are connected on so many levels.

It is a very normal response to feel at fault when they do something wrong.

However, if you believe you are at fault for your child’s behavior, you will carry a weight that will drain you, overwhelm you, and actually make it harder to help your child.

Here is one of the thoughts that popped up when the blame was put on me.

I actually thought:
 “I wish.”

“I wish it was my fault and under my control. Then I could make sure it never happened again.”

But the reality is that it is not under my control.

And holding blame on myself for someone else’s behavior is not helpful—for me or for them.

The reality is:

 My child is responsible for his actions
 I am responsible for how I respond

I cannot control a 4-year-old.
I cannot step into his body and choose for him.

And when I take on his blame,
it doesn’t help him—and it hurts me.

So is it your fault?

No. Your child’s behavior is not your fault.
But what you do next is your responsibility.

Responsibility is the ability to respond.

So if it’s not your fault…

What is in your control?

“Am I being too soft? Am I loving him the wrong way?”

Let’s clear this up.

If you start believing that love is the problem,
you will begin to withhold the very thing your child needs most—

and that can damage connection, trust, and long-term emotional health.

I was told I was too nice.
That I needed to be harder.
That my love was part of the problem.

But here’s what I know about the brain:

Children don’t act out because they are too loved.
They act out because they are struggling with skills, regulation, or unmet needs.

 Love is not the problem.

Love builds connection and is the foundation of repair.

Now—love doesn’t mean no boundaries.
And love does not mean allowing the bad behavior.

But you cannot hurt a child by loving them too much.

What they need is:

• Support
• Guidance
• Skills
• And connection

Especially when they’re struggling.

Have you ever thought about how scary it might be for them to be experiencing these strong emotions that they cannot control?

And then they are disciplined harshly for it?

These tiny humans are just doing the best they can with the brains they have.

So I’m not going to change my affection.

I’m going to stay connected—and help him grow by sharing my unconditional love.

So now what?

What are you going to do?

I admit what we have done in the past has not seemed to work.
How do you figure out what to do next?

A compass would help.
Something that guides you in the right direction.

Not knowing what to do next generates discomfort in the brain.

But the good news is that there is a tool that will guide you to make a solid, confident decision.

This is what brought me the most peace:

I accept I cannot control my child, and that I am responsible for how I show up.

And I show up by living my values.

That is the compass.

Understanding your values and who you want to be will guide you.

Who do I want to be as a mom in this moment?

I make a decision not based on fear,
not based on what others think about me,
but based on my values.

For me, I want to be:

A loving and supportive mom who teaches my kids how to love their brains.

The empowered actions I will take:

• Set boundaries on what I do. When he tries to bite me (which has happened), I hold his hands and say, “I will not let you bite me.”
• I acknowledge that he had a hard day and that we will work through this together. He is not alone.
• I see him as a child with a developing brain who is struggling—he is not a problem
• I take care of my own brain and emotions so I can be an example of regulation—even when things are hard for him and me
• I ask for help. Even though I am a brain health coach and I know a lot about the brain, I am not experienced in helping children. I reached out to his pediatrician and we are going to get him some therapy

I will end by sharing my thoughts on therapy.

I was in my 30’s when I saw my first therapist.
This is not something that I grew up with.

However, after learning about the brain, I see this in a whole new way.

For my 4-year-old, I see therapy as a way for him to strengthen skills of managing his thoughts and regulating his emotions.

I have zero embarrassment about this.
I am actually really excited for him.

He will learn skills that some adults do not even have.

My understanding of the brain gives me hope that his behavior—which is driven by his brain—can change.

Because the brain has the amazing ability to change and rewire.

And I want to share this belief with you:

 You are not a bad mom because your child has challenging behavior.

You are a mom raising a human with a developing brain and that is hard.

Give yourself—and your child—grace and compassion for being human.

Ready to Train Your Brain to Be Calm in the Chaos of Motherhood?

If this resonated with you and you want support applying this to your real life I invite you to join my coaching program: Healthy Brain, Happy Mom

Inside, I help moms like you:

• Understand what’s happening in your brain 
• Break free from guilt and overwhelming thought spirals
• Learn how to respond with confidence, calm, and clarity

Click here to learn more - https://www.jenny-gregory.com/1x1Coaching